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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25935637">kiss her hand :)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesorrowoflizards/pseuds/thesorrowoflizards'>thesorrowoflizards</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Assassins &amp; Hitmen, Crack, Everyone Else is an Assassin, Everyone Loves Maia, Humor, I Cannot Emphasize Enough This is Crack, Jace Herondale Being An Asshole, Jace Herondale Deserves Bad Things, Jace Herondale is a Bad Person, Jace Sucks, Knight Isabelle Lightwood, Maia Deserves Nice Things, Multi, Not Serious, Polyamory, Prince Jace Herondale, Princess Maia Roberts, Soft Maia Roberts, The Polycule(TM) - Freeform, all of the assassins in this kingdom are soft and ahve a moral code, and clary is a lesbian so only girls for her, and we love her, anyway, anyway that's not the point this is mostly about everyone loving maia, clary: women are pretty and so are my daggers :), except clary clary likes stabbing al ot, except magnus and isabelle and jace, jace is worse, like teh original i wrote this in like an hour, magnus is a prince too and we love him :), this is a joke but also we love it and we stan, this should be a tag</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:40:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,401</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25935637</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesorrowoflizards/pseuds/thesorrowoflizards</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>4 times Jace sent an assassin after Maia and they ended up dating her, and 1 time they didn't.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jace Herondale &amp; Maia Roberts, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Maia Roberts/Clary Fray, Maia Roberts/Isabelle Lightwood, Maia Roberts/Meliorn, Maia Roberts/Raphael Santiago, Maia Roberts/Simon Lewis, Maia Roberts/Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago/Meliorn/Isabelle Lightwood/Clary Fray, also theyre not all dating but theyre all mostly dating, focus on maia, it's what she deserves - Relationship, mentioned past magnus/camille and camille sucks and is dead now, minor magnus &amp; raphael and clary &amp; simon, past clace - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>kiss her hand :)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskythatwontfall/gifts">theskythatwontfall</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+murder+bois+%3A%29">the murder bois :)</a>.</li>


        <li>
            Inspired by

            <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567628">the songbird and the blade</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesorrowoflizards/pseuds/thesorrowoflizards">thesorrowoflizards</a>.
        </li>

    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><strong>WARNING FOR JACE USING MISOGYNISTIC LANGUAGE</strong> he sucks. it's mostly just shit like "bitch" but couldn't hurt to put a warning, right?</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>4.</p><p>The first time Jace sent an assassin, he hired the first one he saw on the list he had an advisor bring.</p><p>Raphael Santiago doesn't look like he wants to be here much--he is cleaning his nails with a dagger in a way that shouldn't be as intimidating as it is--but he's got a good enough reputation, and he apparently apprenticed under Lady Belcourt, an infamous femme fatale sort of assassin, and then killed her. So. Probably worth the money.</p><p>He sent him off, paid him half upfront, and thought nothing more of it.</p><p>The princess would be dead by the end of the day, and he would be able to swoop in and steal her kingdom without worrying about marrying the frigid bitch. </p><p>She'd regret saying no--or she would, if she were alive to.</p><p> </p><p>The news came back she was very much alive only a few weeks later, when he saw her at a ball being thrown by the Lightwoods and promptly spat his drink all over Kaelie, the cute chick he had been flirting with. She'd scoffed, tossed her drink all over him, and then spun away to go clean up.</p><p>Just great. Great. </p><p>He glared over at her, like he could stab her with his eyes alone, only to realize--wait a second! The man whose arm she was on--that was Santiago! What the hell? </p><p>Santiago caught his eye. And glared right back. He subtly flipped Jace off behind her back, smirk twitching on his lips at Jace's indignant gasp.</p><p>He kissed Maia's cheek, and she laughed, still not noticing him, and then they were swept away in the crowd.</p><p>Fuck. Great. Just great. </p><p>He threw back what was left of his drink, and went to go find another damn assassin. </p><p> </p><p><em>(Raphael had only really gotten into being an assassin--mostly killing rich assholes and predatory creeps--</em> <em>to get close to Camille, who had not only had an absolutely terrible influence on the local economy and general state of things with her misgotten wealth and cruel practices, but she'd also attempted to seduce and murder a close friend of his. </em></p><p>
  <em>He was glad he'd kept the job for this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd not been sure what to expect of the princess--corrupt and cruel, or innocent victim?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Raphael had not been expecting a radiant, funny, and kind woman who he'd immediately taken a liking to. It had not taken long for him to decide that she was absolutely worth quitting his job for, and he had already been planning on doing that anyway, but frankly he'd much rather cook a meal for her and argue with her over their favorite books than take dirty money.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd really have to introduce her to Magnus. They'd get along splendidly...) </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>3.</p><p>Next, Jace actually bothered going down to the Assassin's Guild himself. </p><p>Meliorn--no last name, how mysterious--was plenty intimidating, and a former knight to the Seelie Queen herself. </p><p>It took Meliorn two days to decide Maia Roberts was quite excellent, actually, and Jace found out via a dagger with elegant leaf patterns burying itself in his wall five inches from his head with a note attached that said "Job Cancelled. -Meliorn"</p><p>Just... <em>amazing. </em></p><p> </p><p>Not long after, Jace learned that Meliorn was dating her, too. How the <em>fuck </em>did she keep doing that? </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Meliorn had kissed her hand when they met and they'd both been instantly charmed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Meliorn thought themself a good judge of character, and while they were an assassin, quite frankly, they had enough reputation and coin to deny jobs whenever they liked, and anyway, their moral code was firm enough. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maia was the good sort, and a wonderful princess who would be a wonderful queen one day, and anyway, she was an interesting person. Meliorn liked interesting people.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They found the more time they spend around her and her partner, Raphael, the more they liked them. Maybe they could stick around a while--and anyway, it seems Raphael and Meliorn had a lot in common. Maia wasn't even that upset they were an assassin, as they hadn't tried anything and seemed "pretty cool". </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not that it mattered, but Chase, or Sebastian, or Jonathan number 75, or whatever the blonde shithead's name had been, had been boring. Very boring.)</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>2.</p><p>Time for a more subtle angle. </p><p>Jace this time found Simon Lewis, who assured him he was a very experienced assassin, definitely, and he had killed loads of people, and he was very good at it. His adorable nerd look was of course a <em>disguise, </em>and he was unintimidating on <em>purpose, </em>and if he <em>looked </em>like an assassin that would defeat the purpose of stealth, wouldn't it? Yes. </p><p>Jace decided to give it a go. The last two, after all, <em>had </em>looked vaguely assassin-y, so maybe.... <em>this </em>would work.</p><p> </p><p>It didn't.</p><p> </p><p>"How the <em>fuck </em>did you fall in love with her in like a few weeks?" Jace hissed. </p><p>Lewis laughed nervously. "Look, dude," he said, "I don't know why you want someone like her dead, but she's.... amazing. She's so awesome. Like, what's wrong with you?" </p><p>"What's wrong with <em>you? </em>Why can't you do your damn job?!"</p><p>Lewis shrugged. "I said in the fine print I was free to cancel the contract if the target was someone I had a strong emotional attachment to--full payment still required. Sorry, dude. Anyway, you owe me money now, and if you don't pay me, I know two other assassins who will help me fight you." </p><p>Jace hated everything about this. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Simon had not expected anyone to actually call him out on pretending to be an assassin to blackmail old rich guys into giving him a bunch of money to... redistribute... in exchange for "mercy". But hey, he was good at talking fast, and anyway, he could probably figure something out with the terms in his contract, right? Or if the target sucked, blackmail her, too, or something. Who knows.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But then he met Maia Roberts. She'd been reading a book--his absolute favorite, actually, an imaginative epic set among the stars of all things--and not even realizing she was the princess, he had immediately struck up a passionate conversation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then she'd mentioned her name, and he'd very unsubtly gone still and said something along the lines of "................................huh" and she'd asked him point-blank if he was an assassin sent by Jace.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Simon had, of course, immediately broken down and told her everything, and then she'd laughed and introduced him to her two partners, Meliorn and Raphael, and they'd found the four of them got along very well....) </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>1. </p><p>Jace gave up. The most unsubtle route it was, then.</p><p>He went to his murdery ex-technically-wife/sister. </p><p>"Hey, Clary, would you murder someone for me?" </p><p>Clary sighed. "Why do conversations with you always seem to go like this?"</p><p>"Because you like stabbing."</p><p>"And you only ever ask me for things and never help<em> me </em>with anything."</p><p>"Do you want to stab someone or not?"</p><p>"Do they suck?"</p><p>He rolled his eyes. "Yes, she's terrible, please stab her."</p><p>"Whatever."</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he heard Princess Maia had been attacked in the middle of a ball by a short crazy redhead with a dagger.</p><p><em>Finally. </em>Someone could do their job.</p><p> </p><p>"She's <em>still </em>not dead?!" Jace shrieked. </p><p>Hodge winced. "Your Majesty, I--" </p><p>"How the <em>fuck </em>did--I swear to god, if Clary is dating her--"</p><p>Hodge gave him a very helpless and wide eyed look.</p><p>".............How the <em>fuck."</em></p><p>"The princess, uh, complimented her dagger's craftsmanship." </p><p>"The. The dagger she tried to <em>stab </em>her with."</p><p>"Clarissa is reported to have said she got distracted by her eyes, which are, and I quote, 'very warm and pretty and nothing like that asshole's', and completely missed--"</p><p>"I don't want to hear it," Jace said. "I didn't even know Clary was--ugh. Damn her. If she some sort of goddamn siren? Everyone I fucking send falls in love with her. What the fuck."</p><p>"Sir," Hodge said, "You could send--someone who... your adoptive brother, perhaps?"</p><p>"Who?" Jace said.</p><p>Hodge coughed. "Sir Lightwood, Your Majesty. He's... an assassin."</p><p>"Oh, right," Jace said. "The gay one."</p><p>Then his eyes widened. "The <em>gay </em>one," he said. "I've just had the most amazing idea! Hodge, send for Alec."</p><p>"....Yes, Your Majesty," Hodge said.</p><p>"I'm so glad I had this splendid idea," Jace said. "And all by myself, too! I'm very intelligent." </p><p>"....Yes, Your Majesty," Hodge said again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Clary was generally into stabbing. She approved of it. She had a lot of emotions to work through.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sure, she preferred the creeps who tried to grab her ass at balls, and the rich old fucks she grew up hating even though everyone insisted on putting her in stupid pretty dresses now, and also her biological dad who fucking sucked, but like. Honestly, she wasn't picky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She didn't generally stab to kill, but like, whatever. At this point she was too numb to care.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then she actually met Maia--after attempting a flying tackle and stab--and found she was actually. uh. Really. really cool.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Also really pretty. Was this what a 'gay panic' was? Clary was pretty sure this was what a gay panic was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then she like, actually liked Clary's dagger, which was indescribably cool, actually, because Clary really liked daggers, and she'd made this one herself, and no one ever noticed when she made cool daggers, especially not Jace, and actually fuck Jace. She'd stab him next time she saw him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maia's partners were very wary of her, which was fine, and she had no interest of them outside of perhaps a friendly relationship. Except Simon. She actually kind of liked Simon. She probably wouldn't stab Simon. And the other two were fine, really. She wouldn't stab them for Maia's sake if nothing else.) </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>+1 </p><p>Alec was unimpressed with this job, but he took his job seriously, and worst case, he could tell Jace to fuck off. </p><p>He met Maia, but before he could really even try to get close to her, he'd seen the most beautiful man in the world next to her, and had lost the entire night talking and dancing with him.</p><p>Magnus was quite frankly the most wonderful person Alec had ever met, and Alec wanted to sweep him off his feet and kiss him senseless. Magnus seemed more than amiable to this.</p><p>And after that, as he repeatedly ignored his mission in order to flirt with Magnus and then date him and then fall in love with him, he also slowly go to know Maia anyway, through him.</p><p>They were close friends, and Magnus was supposed to be visiting only for a bit but he'd extended his stay for no particularly reason.</p><p>Alec quickly realized Jace had once again sent him after an ex-girlfriend/prospective girlfriend, rolled his eyes, and told her in no uncertain terms he had no plans on murder and was more interested in kissing her friend. </p><p>He also introduced Maia to his sister, a gorgeous knight who offered to stab Jace for them. </p><p>Isabelle was beautiful, amazing, and also the only one other than Maia (and perhaps Simon) to get Clary to genuinely like her. Especially as they both enjoyed weapons and art and art on weapons and making both of those things and combining them. </p><p>Meliorn also got along incredibly well with her, and actually got closer to Clary as a result <em>through </em>cool stabby things, which was something no one saw coming.</p><p>Also, they could all--except Raphael, who didn't care for that sort of thing--agree it was incredibly hot when she took off her helmet and shook her hair out like that, or when she did a really cool sword move completely confidently. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Jace found out that Alec hadn't fallen in love with Maia, but instead, her close friend, and that he'd taken Izzy with him and SHE'D fallen in love with Maia, and screamed so loud he'd been heard for miles around.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He threw his favorite goblet through a window, screamed some more, and then promptly had been pushed out after the goblet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Who did this is--unknown, although it seems there are several possibilities. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But, well. No more assassins were sent after Maia.) </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Of course, Maia had dealt with real assassins before, even if she now had a small gaggle of them more than willing to protect her. But Jace had always been incompetent, so it wasn't a surprise he'd managed to find the assassins with the softest hearts, and also Clary, who was incredibly gay and also surprisingly sweet, deep down, for Maia and Izzy and maybe Simon in a different way specifically. </p><p>And anyway, it's not like she dealt with them often anyway, because few people had any reason to want her dead. Jace was just....... Like That. </p><p>Of course, he was dead now, so. That was good at least.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Maia was... incredibly happy now, actually.</p><p>She'd grown close to her little assassin gang. Now, she had five loving and wonderful partners who she all loved deeply. And in a way, that was Jace's fault. She wondered if he was rolling his grave. She hoped so. </p><p>They all loved each other in their own ways, and she had so many things to talk about with them all. They had common interests--from cooking to books to art and more--and they were a delight to be around. </p><p>There hadn't been a queen with this many consorts in a long time, but they were all amazing.</p><p>And her close and dear friend Magnus was happier than she'd ever seen him. He'd grown very close with her partners, too, particularly Raphael (they were already close, but they seemed to only get closer as friends) and Meliorn, and he happily married. </p><p>She'd been so worried for him after finding about Camille and all the other shit he'd been through, and--well, she'd never expected that he'd fall in love with another assassin, but Alec treated him very well. There were several assassins willing to kill him if he wasn't, not that that was his motivation. </p><p>And Magnus adored him. </p><p>The kingdom was prospering, and they'd actually managed to get all of the Herondale territory.</p><p>The land was thriving, people were happy, crops were flourishing. </p><p>Everything seemed to be... right, in the world.</p><p>It was truly a golden age for the kingdom and its monarchs. </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is cracky and i could not care less about plot holes or characterization or anything of the sort so dont even fuckin try it </p><p>was writing the sequel to tSatB and then this happened lmao</p><p>this might get a (possibly cracky?) malec chapter ft. magnus in a pretty dress (thank u biconicfinn) and camille angst</p><p>this whole thing was strongly inspired by <a href="http://biconicfinn.tumblr.com/">biconicfinn</a> (that's theskythatwontfall on ao3!), icon, check her out!!<br/>but also by the general polycule gang(tm)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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